12 12 2012

Forgiveness

“Forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors.”

Matthew 6:12

Relationship problems were one of the greatest hurdles in both the divorce and illness process. Anything that is different about you, makes you threatening an overwhelming to other people. They seem to be threatened and uncomfortable around you, especially if you are uncomfortable with yourself. Many of the people around you may get stuck in denial. To acknowledge what is happening to you, raises the possibility that if that happens to them.

With the diagnosis of my illness, one entire support system fell away. As divorce swept through my life, and another whole went down the drain.  I’d find myself being caught in and choked by circular, obsessional thoughts of judgment, anger, blamr, bitterness, resentment, vindictiveness, and retaliation. The pull-away was definitely a 2 way street.

I can’t help what thoughts come into my mind,  but I can help what I do with those thoughts and what they stir up in my body. I can process, understand make sense of, experience, listen to, use a guide and release them. I can attract unhealthy, destructive consequences in my body when I focus on and make  those kinds of thoughts my God.

Slowly, I began to break the vicious chain reaction cycle of thoughts that began with judging, by assuming responsibility for myself and breathing God for me a sinner!   I do play a part in all of this.  I am not a victim, but a participant. I can choose what I focus on. I needed to do this with my vanishing support communities and with my ex, as he disappeared over the horizon of my life.

Over and over, I am tempted to get caught up in the chains of judging myself against  others, or others against me. Breathing god forgive me a sinner and over and over sets me free miraculously and instantly. This works also when the chaining thoughts are fear, confusion, doubt or when any feeling becomes my main focal thought, or God instead of the Lord Himself!

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